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1) You are the most valuable asset the company has.  And the more responsibilities you take on and perform, the more valuable you are to the company.

2) Understand management must always press for more from you and the labor force.  It is your job to find the more to give.

3) Understand management generally considers labor overpaid and under-achieving.  It is your job to dispel this belief constantly, in order to retain the balance of mutual respect between labor and management.

4) Be aware that management doesn’t handle stress as well as you do, because they don’t have to.  They have you to take it out on.  You don’t have labor to take out your stress on.

5) Don’t take criticism personally, even when you know management is wrong.  Hell, they’re always wrong.  Forgive and get on with the job at hand.

6) List your employee needs for personal reference, things like raises and maybe toilet paper in the restrooms, but go after them one by one.  Management doesn’t like feeling as though it is giving in to too many demands, even if the needs are critical and fair.

7) Remind management occasionally of your employees’ good records in safety (“More than fifteen minutes now, boss, since the last maiming!”), because accidents cost the company a lot of money and that money unspent is money the company gets to keep.  It’s bottom line stuff.

8) Keep your tongue under control.  Slighting your superior often results in some form of vindictiveness later on.

Example: Boss: “Remember how you called me a stupid motherfucker with the I.Q. of dried cow shit yesterday?”

You: “I think I said pig shit, sir.”

Boss: “Well, you’re fired.”

You: “Thank you, sir. You dickhead.”

Boss: “No.  Firing isn’t enough.  You have to keep working.”

You: “Here?”

Boss: “Exactly.”  (Cackles malevolently)

You: “God, nooo!”

(9) Make your suggestions in the form of a question whenever possible.  This gives management an escape from confronting your suggestion outright (since they’re not generally bright enough to respond off the cuff), while offering them the role of wise advisor.

10) Be very patient.  Wait your opportunity to make your point.  In the time you’re waiting, make sure in your mind that the point you want to make is both valid and positive.

11) When you attend a meeting, have not only your side of things worked out, but also consider management’s side to give you perspective.

12) Management can be frivolous with you.  You can be frivolous with labor.  Never be frivolous with management.  They are way too insecure to handle it.

13) Unless you have a specific agenda, say as little as possible during meetings.  But always contribute at least five sentences to any hour-long meeting, otherwise you become invisible.

(14) Someone, maybe Thoreau, said “Less is more.”  No, he said, “Simplify, simplify, simplify.”  But, anyway, less is more. So say less and mean more.  You will seem wise and knowing.  You will seem knowledgeable and humble.  You will not put your foot in your mouth so often.

15) Management doesn’t appreciate the value of PMI.  Your machines do.  Please the machine, but don’t pamper it.  Did I just say ‘Please the machine?’  It’s time for a drink.

16) There.  Much better thought process after four rums straight up.  Much more coherent.  Much…zzzzz.

17) Appearances mean much.  That’s why ass-kissers prosper.  Don’t kiss ass, but always show respect.

18) Notify management of any employee who might be planning to confront them with a problem.  Management hates these kinds of surprises.  But never get in a foot race to the office.

19) If you can get a budget, stick with it.  If you don’t have a budget, keep your own eye on expenses.  Be a miser, but spend when you must (See PMI. See also Drinking Mass Quantities on Weekends).

20) Management believes in professional experts but you don’t necessarily have to.  Management pays experts, while you will suffer from them.  All experts are merely people with opinions that happen to be in vogue.

21) Be careful of managers who want to supervise.  They don’t have the time to be good supervisors, nor the tact to handle unwilling workers (they’re all unwilling), and those types of managers are apparently not doing their own job of money laundering, er, management and planning if they’re out on the floor fucking with your people.

22) Don’t screw your boss’s wife.

23) Don’t screw your boss.

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